To Love and Lose
by WiseEyes
Summary: A really good story, waaay better than thisd summary. LOL
1. Chapter 1

1 July 6, 2013

12:10 AM

To Love & Lose

Merlin peeked into his sire's room making sure that the prince was asleep. Arthur lay curled up in his 1200 count sheets and blankets, random clothes and other accessories from the night before strewn carelessly about his chamber. Merlin shook his head at the mess that he knew he would have to clean up tomorrow. On the bed, Arthur turned over breaking the servant out of his thoughts. Outside the full moon shined over the abundant fields and orchards signifying the riches of the kingdom, but its only purpose for now was to help Merlin get ahead on his chores. Quietly he tiptoed into the room, his arms full with supplies to clean armor and shine boots. Just like he had done every night since he had been appointed personal manservant he walked to the bed past the royal draperies and checked on Arthur if not only to good one last look before he went to bed of the man that he had come to adore.

Smiling he pushed a couple of strands away from the other's forehead. And pulled the covers up and over his abdomen.

"Merlin," Arthur groaned in his sleep.

Said person stopped completely looking at the angelic face of his master.

"Yes sire," he answered timidly ready for punishment but no answer came to him.

"Arthur," he called out again.

He waited with bated breath for Arthur to sentence him to the stocks but again no answer came. He sighed relieved before he went over to where the long row of boots where kept.

"Don't leave me!" Arthur screamed beginning to fight with the covers and pillows.

Merlin jumped almost dropping the breastplate he had just begun to clean. Up on the bed, Arthur sat on his haunches swinging at air. Merlin dropped the piece of armor on purpose this time to see if the prince was still asleep. And as expected, never once did the man stop his imaginary duel. Suddenly the man dove of the bed. Merlin still too far away in the ridiculously large room could not catch up in time to actually grab him, so just like when he had first met Gaius, he slowed time. He slid under with his arms out in order to catch him. Arthur gasped as time caught up and he landed in Merlin's arms face to face with the warlock.

Again Arthur started swinging but this time it was aimed for Merlin's face.

"Arthur wake up! It's me," Merlin screamed as he dodged yet another well aimed blow for his face.

Arthur let out a battle cry renewing his punches. _Shit,_ Merlin thought as Arthur grabbed him by the collar. In a last attempt, the warlock wrapped his thighs around the other's middle and pulled them in making it to where even if the prince kept swinging, they would only ever it the space _around _Merlin, but never actually him. Clenching his eyes, he slapped the prince wincing when he heard the hit reverberate around the room.

Arthur blinked finally awake looking around himself confused. But when his eyes alighted to the hips around him and even more to the face of the owner of said hips, cerulean blue eyes promised nothing less than murder. Merlin watched all of this hoping that the floor would open and swallow him whole.

"You were dreaming sire."

"And that gave you reason enough to sneak in here and molest me?" Arthur finished sitting up, or at least as far as Merlin's thighs would let him.

The warlock frowned looking offended," I would never," he huffed.

"The gall of some people," he murmured under his breath.

Arthur's eyebrows rose," Excuse me? And what do you call this then, huh?" motioning to the little space left between their genitalia.

Merlin just bit his bottom lip. Arthur was right nothing he could say would fix the way this position looked. Suddenly he inhaled feeling Arthur pinch down on his hips lengthening the space and letting the future king roll out. Merlin stayed laid on the floor still reeling from the pain.

Arthur came to stand above him sword pointed at him,"trespassing is a serious offense and if I ever see you in my rooms without my express permission again. I won't hesitate to send you to the stocks. Understand Merlin?"

The warlock nodded choosing to stay quite instead of making his love any angrier. Arthur nodded too backing up so that he could get up. Nothing more was said between the two as Merlin gathered his supplies and walked to the door. Merlin turned just in time to see the prince staring out of the window, a single tear alighted by the moonlight sliding down his cheek. For a moment he contemplated going back, but with how angry Arthur had been earlier, his return would only end with the warlock having his feelings and probably his face hurt. The door clicked quietly into place behind him. The dark hall loomed before him, head bowed he headed back to his room in Gaius' home.

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Merlin woke up with a too bright sun streaming on his face. _Shit, _he cursed as he jumped haphazardly around his room trying to get dressed. He winced as acute pain registered in his thighs from squeezing Arthur's waist the night before. Ignoring that voices from downstairs reached his ears. Quieting down, he crept closer to the stairwell eavesdropping, or at least trying to.

"He looks like death warmed over this morning," The lady Morgana spoke.

"Why do you say that," Gwen replied.

In his mind, merlin picture Morgana standing a bit off to the side bending down to Guinevere in a way that screamed gossiper while her servant girl frowned more than a little concerned for the man that she had a secret crush on, yes Merlin knew of the crush and he felt bad for having one on the same guy, but you can't help who you love.

"You didn't hear him last night? He was screaming practically all night. One time I woke up and listened to him. And do you know what was the most surprising?"

Merlin assumed that Gwen had nodded because the ward started speaking again.

"Well amongst the mumbling, he kept yelling for Merlin. You should have heard it Gwen, he sounded so heart broken."

"That is sad. Does Merlin know?" Gwen asked.

"Probably not. You know the boy can be slow at times."

Merlin huffed as he listened but he kept listening until the medic interrupted their rant with a prescription. Merlin backed away from the stairs thinking over the talk he had just heard and what happened earlier. All of it totaled up to a talk that he should have with the prince, but a talk that he would not dare to ever have.

_Arthur watched with glee as people of all shapes and sizes danced in their finest silks about the massive dance hall. As far as this prince was concerned, everything was right in the world tables were lined with food, barrels were filled to the brim with wine, red and gold cloth adorned the dance hall. Everything was so great, so right and he loved every bit off it. Merlin chatted gaily with his knights all smiles and laughs. He looked over smiling at him. Arthur smiled back, his heart pulsing rapidly in his chest. He looked away quick so that his father, Uther Pendragon would not get suspicious of his feelings for his servant, but also because he did not want Merlin to know of the feelings he had for said servant. Still he let happiness show in his features, even if it was only he who knew the truth. _

_ Morgana and Guinevere stood off to the side talking. Morgana brushed a stray hair from her servant's shoulder caressing it. The future king chuckled, he knew that Morgana liked her servant, and he also knew that Gwen liked her master. The soft- spoken girl just tried to hide with making people think that it was actually Arthur that she liked. Really, it was pretty funny for him. _

_ Uther walked forward holding out a grand chalice to his subjects," Quiet now. This is my son's coronation," the king turned to him lifting the glass higher in a toast._

_ "To my son, Arthur, the official prince of Camelot!" he finished. _

_ Around the room people joined in the toast drinking to his success. He reached for the glass but Uther pulled it away._

_ "Oh no Arthur. You're a prince know. People will try to kill you now. Manservant come," the king finished motioning for Merlin. _

_ Arthur watched as the man walked forward with that confident dimpled grin that made Gwen get all blushy, Morgana touchy, and him get hyper in choice areas. Merlin turned to him looking at the ground._

_ "Yes," black eyes stared straight into his own," My lord."_

_ With that the warlock drank the liquid never once breaking contact. For some reason, he found himself holding his breath in anticipation not breathing until that face was in full view again._

_ "The wine is safe sire," he smiled again._

_ All around them clapping ensued but the blonde could not take his eyes off his servant. Merlin's face began to contort as he struggled to lift his hand to his throat. Everything went out of focus as he zeroed in on Merlin's crumpling form, his arms reaching for him before his mind could catch up. _

_ "Merlin!" _

_ With that one yell everything went into slow motion._

_ "Merlin," he said having finally reached the man._

_ The servant's eyes creaked open wide and afraid," Arthur," he barely spoke before his eyes closed._

_ Arthur leaned in close coddling him to his chest," please don't leave me," he whispered softly. _

_ The prince felt himself struggle as the crowd became aware of what had just happened and tried to pry him away. Tears made his vision blurry as his one and only friend was swallowed up by the crowd and he could do nothing than be dragged away by his knights. _

_ The scenery went dark enough to where he could not see his hand before his face. All around him feet clattered and people talked but all the prince could see was his beloved servant's eyes roll back in his mind. No, no- please don't go, Arthur thought on a loop. _

*Slap!* Arthur awoke with a jolt as he was hit across the cheek..Around him it was pitch black again. He looked around scared that he was still dreaming when he noticed that he could not sit up all the way. He looked down at a pelvic bone and followed them up one thigh and exhaled. He would know those brown, starched wool pants anywhere. Tears fought for his attention but he knew that what he'd had was only a nightmare. A nightmare that would never come true, but it was the person it involved that made it so heart wrenchingly terrible_. _ Schooling his features he let his gaze travel to Merlin's face.

"You were dreaming sire."

"And that gave you reason enough to sneak in here and molest me?" Arthur finished sitting up, or at least as far as Merlin's thighs would let him.

The warlock frowned looking offended," I would never," he huffed.

Arthur's eyebrows rose," Excuse me? And what do you call this then, huh?" motioning to the little space left between their genitalia.

He watched lustily as Merlin worried his bottom lip for sure trying to come up with an explanation, at least one that would not get him killed. Impatient to get as far away from Merlin as possible before tears escaped he beared down causing the man's legs to release him and rolled away.

He grabbed Excalibur, "trespassing is a serious offense and if I ever see you in my rooms without my express permission again. I won't hesitate to send you to the stocks. Understand Merlin?"

Said person just nodded at him concern coming off in waves, but Arthur had enough of caring for th night. He just wanted to take a second to just make himself immune to how badly his heart cried out. He nodded too trying to seem okay if only for a moment. He said nothing more as Merlin exited his room.

He looked out of the window letting the light of the moon disguise his tears.

**Author's Note:** To all of my followers, fans, and passionate guests: I deeply apologize for not uploading stories in so long, but for all of summer, I was grounded from the sight could not put up any more. Please don't be angry with me! Anyway...

R&R is always a plus!


	2. Arthur's Dream

1 Author's Note: I never have and never will own BBC's Merlin

This time Merlin made a point of stomping in to Pendragon's room. Still the prince did not wake.

"Good morning sire," he called as the curtains were pulled apart to let light flood the room.

"Morning Merlin, what is on the agenda today?"

Arthur looked toward his companion whose wide grin grew nervously.

"Well since tonight is your coronation, I planned that today you would go out and show yourself in good light to the people."

"And what pray tell does that include," Arthur frowned at his servant. But he knew that the real reason for his frown lay just beneath his facade,_ I wonder, is Merlin purposefully avoiding this morning or no?_

Merlin smiled genuinely," a lot. Now get out of bed," he hissed whilst he tried to pull the covers away from the blonde.

Arthur burrowed deeper into the covers," No I will not. Now let go of the blanket Merlin,"he added while he played tug of war with his manservant, chuckling when he decided to let go and Merlin toppled to the floor with a grunt.

The prince climbed out of bed,"Come now Merlin. I have duties to perform, I could do without my manservant dawdling."

"What do you mean, "Dawdling," you just- whatever," Merlinexclaimed as he stood to his full height brushing away imaginary dust.

Beside Arthur, a folded red shirt, brown trousers and socks were put on the bed. Merlin walked away tending to the unclean room like usual. And per usual, Pendragon would completely ignore him and get dressed, but after all that had happened in his nightmare he wanted the other as close as possibly to himself,"Merlin, dress me today."

The room stayed quiet as the warlock did as he was told walking back to the royal bed. Gingerly he picked up the shirt and proceeded to dress the prince. Trying hard not to think about what he was doing, Merlin smoothed the shirt down over defined pecs and abdominal muscles. He blushed even harder as he felt how hot his face felt. Needing an escape, he bent down to grab the trousers,"Right please take off your pants my lord."

Easily Arthur slid out of them and into the new pair. Merlin slipped in from behind, back to front, and did up the strings. The future king trembled as he heat from those strong hands seeped through the seam of his pants and met his skin setting it afire with the lust and passion that Arthur imagined hands such as those could wreak on his body.

"Is that tight enough sire,"merlin spoke interrupting the start of another fantasy for the young Pendragon.

"Oh yes. Thank you,"Arthur stuttered out trying to hide the deep crimson blossoming on his cheeks.

Hurriedly he pulled on his socks and boots finishing the entire ordeal with his customary belt. Glaring at a smirking Merlin, the prince and his servant went in to town helping and eating with the future subjects of his kingdom.

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"Arthur?"Merlin asked as they were taking a meal of chicken and rice in a corner hut they had just finished as a thank you to the owner, a nice elderly man, for keeping them hydrated out in the farm fields earlier that day.

"Yes,"he answered back smoothly.

For a moment no answer came as both boys just sat side by side in the haze of an approaching sunset. Arthur looked over at the other taking in his disheveled dirty clothes and face. Merlin kept his eyes downcast, a sure sign to him that something was wrong.

"Merlin?"

No answer came, just a frown as the manservant began to poke at tray hay around his boots. Arthur bumped him,"Are you going to tell me, or am I supposed to guess what you are thinking?"

The black haired beauty finally looked at him still unsure. Merlin took a deep breath before beginning,"Well you see, your dream earlier, I mean when I saw you, you looked for all the world like it had crumbled around you.

"Your point is,"Arthur ground out knowing that his heart was fluttering just thinking about what all had transpired.

"If you don't mind me asking. What was your dream about?"

"Well I do, and I do not appreciate you barging into my room all hours of the night either."

*Ding, dong* the evening bell rang proudly over the city. Arthur got up completely ignoring his now silent companion. Once they got to the castle each parted without a word angry in their own right at the other.

**Author's Note: Sorry for the small chappie! **

R&R is always a plus


	3. Wanting This All Along

1 **Author's Note:** I never have and never will own BBC's Merlin.

Arthur glanced around anxiously as everyone danced and talked in their finest silks in celebration of his coronation. Time and time again, he would search for his servant in the crowd debating on whether or not he should apologize for earlier. In past times, the Pendragon had never dreamt of doing such a thing. Hell until Merlin came around, the word apology was not even in his dictionary. But Merlin was different. Merlin made him happy when no one else could, angry when all he had ever been was disinterested. Merlin made him feel love, and if things progressed the way his nightmare had, great heart wrenching pain.

His father, King Uther walked forward a great wine filled chalice in hand,"Quiet down now, this is my son's coronation. Now to my son, Arthur Pendragon the official prince of Camelot!"

All around him guests clapped and cheered for their official prince. Arthur paid no heed to this though, he reached for the glass hoping that if he already had a grip on it, then Merlin would not have to drink it. But he never got there as the chalice had been pulled away.

"Oh no my son, you are a prince now, as of now people will try to kill you every chance they get. Man-"

"No! I mean father that is absurd, I will drink it myself," he tried as he frantically hoped that the other had just happened to be out for the moment.

"Nonsense. Now where is your - oh there he is. Boy! Come here." uther finished smiling sweetly down at Arthur as he finished.

Merlin sashayed past him winking in confidence. Deep fear pawed around his stomach as the drink was passed from king to servant. As expected he turns to the young Pendragon, cup in hand and head bowed,"Yes," black eyes stare straight into his own,"My lord."

"Wait," Arthur rushes forward only to be stopped by Uther.

Merlin lifts the glass in a toast to him before he tilts the cup back. Arthur's vision blurs as Merlin's face comes back into full view again.

"The wine is safe sire."

Cheer swelled in the room, but a few tears escaped from the edges of his eyes as Merlin crumpled in on himself staggering to stay upright before he finally collapsed. He ran to Merlin's side.

"Stay with me,"he demanded as he finally reached the boy. Merlin's eyelids fluttered down until they finally closed completely.

"No! Wake up, don't close your eyes. Merlin!," he screamed ignoring the shocked protests of the dance hall.

At that quickly dulling eyes fought to open,"Arthur,"Merlin answered feebly reaching for the other's cheek.

"Don't do this to me. Stay awake damn it!" the youth found himself yelling at his servant.

Merlin chuckled but fought to keep his eyes open.

"Please don't leave me here alone. Don't go," Arthur whispered.

Merlin's lids fluttered, still he fought it stroking the other's cheek,"Never," he smiled before his eyes finally closed.

Arthur pulled the boy to his chest fighting to stay close as his knights pulled and tugged for him to move away from the man.

Once he was fully out of the way, he looked to Uther who looked rather worried.

"Please father, let me take him to my bedchambers, they're closer and no one will disturb Gaius whilst he heals Merlin."

Uther frowned confused,"You want your - servant housed in your chambers? On your bed? Your servant?"

Arthur exhaled exasperated,"Please we do not have much time. Can I take him yes or no?" he finished looking between him and the boy that continued to grow paler and paler when the crowd broke.

Uther looked to his son surprised in all his years of how truly frightened the boy looked. Finally he acquiesced.

When he looked to his side, he found that he was not at all surprised that Arthur was already gone swallowed with by the crowd.

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Arthur dozed in his comfy chair pulled beside the bed, letting today wash over him. He jumped when a loud knock sounded at his door.

"Evening Gaius," he said while he opened the door wider to let the aging man inside.

"Sire. How is he?"

"In a word, poisoned."

"I thought it would be this bad."Gaius finished as he pulled back the covers covering his apprentice to check his anatomy.

Arthur watched anxiously placing a hot towel on the warlock's forehead.

"Well so far as the symptoms go, we are dealing with a serious case of veniferous ignis. Cases like these are rare simply because the plant needed to induce this is not native to Camelot."

"So you're saying that someone outside the kingdom is trying to poison me."

"Not necessarily. This person just has access to plants outside of Camelot. Luckily I had merlin gather some draconum flos last week."

Arthur turned to the medic,"Last week, you knew that someone would try to kill me and said nothing about it?" he asked accusatorially

"Of course not sire. This beautiful flower also relieves heart pain." with that the medic left mumbling about having to get the necessary materials.

Arthur had just enough time to douse his forehead before he noticed something peculiar peeking out just under the sleeve. He reached out pulling it back reeling at the sight of the huge purplish bruise. Under his steady gaze, the bruise spread higher and higher across the flat of Merlin's shoulder. He looked to Merlin's face panicking when he noticed that the flesh of his right cheek had begun to turn color. The blonde grasped his servant's hand kissing it softly marks from his unshed tears leaving a trail on the hand.

"Please don't go," he whispered again. Behind him Gaius entered his arms full with the plant, water, and a pestle and mortar. Once he'd seen the condition of his apprentice he immediately set out to work making the remedy."

"Sire, can you open his mouth for me." Gaius said as he sat on the other side of the bed.

"Sure."

Arthur did as told waiting in anticipation as the medic poured the concoction. Gaius sat the bowl to the side hoping that he had caught it in time. Both sat back watching for any signs of life.

All too suddenly though, Merlin's shallow breathing stopped and so too did the time for Arthur at least.

"He's dead," was all that he could say before he dissolved into suffering silence.

"I will return later Sire," the aged medic answered in clipped ones as he firmly shut the mahogany doors of the royal chamber behind him.

Arthur pulled the covers up under Merlin's chin his sadness overwhelming. He chanced one last look at his crush and dissolved into tears for what could have been but never would be.

He leaned down kissing Merlin's widows peak,"I should have told you how much I loved you. How much I adored you."

Your breath is drying my eyes out," a hoarse voice spoke.

Immediately the prince went dead silent," Merlin?"

"Arthur."

The prince sat up looking into the most captivating eyes of his life," O h my god I thought I'd lost you."

"As if I would ever leave,"Merlin blushed.

Arthur kissed him passionately,"Don't ever pull a stunt like this again," he pulling at Merlin's collar. Merlin groaned into his mouth pulling him closer.

Arthur broke away instead kissing a trail across the cheek previously exposed to discoloration all the way down to the collarbone.

"Never fucking ever," he growled out in between marking the shoulder.

Merlin scrabbled for purchase,"I'm sorry Arthur," he gasped.

"As you very well should be."

Pulling the covers away, the prince stripped his soon to be lover straddling him.

"A-Arthur what are you doing?" Merlin Mumbled half heartedly as his eyes stayed glued to Arthur's now exposed torso.

He smirked placing his servant's hands between his thighs.

"Let's see if you can figure it out," he groaned head thrown back.

Merlin growled squeezing the insides of Arthur's thighs. The future king groaned deep, his eyes a blazing blue fire as he left heated kisses over every inch of soft alabaster chest. He looked back into his servant's glazed over eyes,"I am going to do all kinds of unspeakable things to your body. Great, _delicious_ things, understood?" He accented by swirling his tongue lazily around a nipple.

"Yes my lord."

"Merlin my name is Arthur. Use it." he commanded bearing down against his lover.

"Arthur please,"Merlin moaned kissing the other deeply.

"Rest now my good and faithful servant," he whispered making good on his promise.

"Arthur?"

"Yes."

"Shouldn't we tell Gaius. You know- that I am alive?"

Arthur turned Merlin on his back, glad that his face now sported a healthful pink glow.

"Believe me. Gaius is well aware of your return to life."

"But how,"Merlin frowned.

"By magic, don't worry about it. Just go to sleep you'll need all your energy for chores tomorrow."

Merlin glared but all the same did as told. Arthur settled in remembering vividly the medic's face when he walked in on the man he had known since birth fully naked and deep inside of his now alive servant, Merlin. He hugged him closer to his chest.

"Never leave me,"he whispered.

"Never,"Merlin repeated snuggling deeper into Arthur's embrace.

THE END

**Author's Note: **

Veniferous Ignis- Poison Fire

Draconim Flos- Dragon Flower

*I deeply apologize for the poison and the cure being

1) so rudimentary

2) and so simple.

R&R is always a plus!


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